About a boy...

Isn't it funny how mundane our everyday events are and often we all just yearn for something drastic to happen to bring us out of a sleepy everyday into a fun, exciting, new being.
Even though most of us don't like change, once it happens we often wonder why we hadn't moved towards a new direction sooner.
As it happens, the change for us has come with perfect timing. We have fulfilled our parental obligations and now have two amazing children flying solo, we are still young enough to venture into new territory with only the slightest degree of grey matter which doesn't appear to be preventing us from learning new tricks (only just though), we had no real estate to deal with which would have won over on a sentimental vote and we still really enjoy each others company - so like I said - perfect timing.

We've hit a few bumps in the road, which were expected and I especially found the ground a little shaky to start, but now we are just taking it as it comes and not stressing too much about what we have little control over.
A good way to live your life really!

We're introducing new lines, ideas and character to this place we now call home and we are beginning to see a shift in the attitudes of the staff and have noticed a swing in the acceptance of us being here.
It's a lot of pressure and a lot of work - having done a couple of 26 hour shifts filling in for AWOL staff, but even then we haven't entertained the idea of it being a little too much we've bitten off.

The day we've been dreading since we arrived is almost upon us - Sunday 24th August, MARKET DAY at the Calliope Historical Village - we've heard nothing but horror stories about how absolutely, insanely busy that day is - we have extra staff on the ready, stocked up on supplies and upped the levels for the ATM machine. So all I can say now is, 'come and get us', we're ready!!

Another recent, curious event that has brought some sunshine to my life is the blossoming friendship I have found with an old school friend, which seems to have not been limited by distance or time.
We have discovered we have so much in common, both with people and experiences with some amazing parallels.
We have even determined we also have connections with the same people or of people that know people - it has been a very bizarre phenomenon, stirring up memories of a much earlier life and allowing myself the luxury of taking a trip back in time.

To be drawn back there only to realise that the perception of yourself and the events that occurred back then may not necessarily be the core truth as you may have believed and that your perceived clarity of certain situations may undoubtedly be inaccurate.

To then also have a major event be qualified by the truth as you in your heart knew it to be, after being told at the time it was something else, brought unexpected closure with a tinge of sadness which then turned into a, ‘what could have been’ scenario.

You see, when I was sixteen, I was in love and in fact I was head over heels in love with a boy who was eighteen. He was in the Air Force, based in Wagga, so it was a long distance romance that we dealt with by writing letters to each other everyday.
He would come home about every second weekend and we would spend the whole time together, until it was time for him to leave again on Sunday afternoon.
I remember seeing him off and crying and just wanting one more kiss before he went, because I knew it would be the last one in a long time. I loved his kisses the best and I missed him so much.
We had been seeing each other for about 6 months when on one of his weekends home he hadn't called me, which was uncharacteristic, this was before mobile phone technology, so on Saturday afternoon he finally rang and asked me to meet him at the local milk bar. I wasn't sure what was wrong, all I knew is I really wanted to know, so I walked around and met him. I could tell that whatever he had to tell me, I wasn't going to want to hear - of course I was right.
He was breaking up with me, he couldn't really give me a straight answer, but in my heart I knew exactly why he was doing it.
I knew his mother was behind it in some way, but I couldn't understand at the time why he would even listen to her, I know he had the same feelings for me as I had for him and that I wasn’t imagining that. When I asked him if that was the reason, he vehemently denied that it was and eventually I had to accept that he had made up his mind and nothing I was saying was making any difference to his resolve.
I remember walking home crying hysterical tears, because at sixteen having your heart broken felt like it was the end of the world and that it was never ever going to mend.

Of course it did mend and went on to love again, but I have recently learned through my friend who has connections with my old flames family that in fact my suspicions were correct and his mother had apparently given him an ultimatum – it was either her or me and even though he made the decision to abide by his mothers demands, in his heart it wasn’t what he wanted and it took a long time for him to get over his apparent broken heart too and didn’t come home for a long time after that weekend. I’m sure there was more to it than that, but that information was enough for me to feel a little vindicated, but at the same time sorry for that boy, who even though he didn’t want to respected his family’s wishes enough to sacrifice himself for them.
To have my doubts validated long after I thought I even cared meant more to me than I would have laid claim to prior, but in going back and really remembering the feelings attached to the event was very healing – it was a pleasant visit and it just shows that if there is unfinished business or unanswered questions that time doesn’t have to be a barrier to the truth.

I have often thought about the boy since that horrible day and wondered if he had ever thought about me.
I may never know?
I still have all those letters he wrote to me for all those months, they have been stored at my parents home for the past twenty something years and one day, if the mood is right, I just might dig them out and read them all over again.

Recharged

Well, our weekend away has come and gone, but we had a really great time and got to recharge our batteries. Seeing the kids, holding them, kissing them, just being Mum was something I had been hanging out for and my thirst was quenched. They both look really well and happy and I've come back here feeling confident that I can now do another 5 weeks before we head off again for another dose of family.

Jo and Andy were once again very generous with their warmth and love and they made us feel very welcome and comfortable. We now have our own key to the front door, so we can come and go as we please - We love you guys. It's about time we were able to return the favour and show you some good old country Calliope hospitality. So how 'bout it??

Saturday night we had tea out with them and also with Jo's brother Paul and his wife Emma, who we've also known for years. We had a really fun night, filled with good food, good wine and great company. We went to a little Thai restaurant in Helensvale, it was a late dinner, we weren't booked in until 8 o'clock and it was closer to 9 by the time we were served. But we kept ourselves amused and the meals were definitely worth the wait. Yummo! The fact that I had just come off detox, meant that I was a very cheap drunk - 1/2 a glass of red and I was the life of the party. I don't think I've laughed so much in a very long time.

Sunday we were up early, Joe and I had breakfast out, then met Jayden and Amy back at Jo's so we could all drive in to Jessica and Ray's together. On our way there we got an sms message from Britney (niece). We were shocked when we read what she had written - she said it was a shame we didn't live on the Gold Coast anymore, because she was there from Geelong for an open day at Griffith Uni and she would have loved to catch up with us. It was our turn to shock her then when we messaged her back saying we were actually there too and suggested that we pick her up later in the day so we could have tea with her. It was so great to see her, it was an unexpected delight for the weekend. We got to catch up on what is occupying her world right now, from all the stories about her last year of school, her boyfriend Daniel, (who I've spoken to on the phone really like a lot) to her feelings about her father being away in Iraq and how she's dealing with that. She seems so grown up with such strong convictions for someone so young. She will turn 18 in December, but she is wise beyond her years having had the privilege of traveling to many countries in the world with her fathers position in the Army giving her the advantage of a worldly education.
Despite how she looks in this photo - she was really happy to be with us - just not so happy to be having her photo taken - teenagers, gotta love 'em!

The time we got to spend with the kids was very short but also very sweet. They both look really happy and healthy. I got to double dip with Jayden, when we went to visit him at his digs. He's doing alright for himself although he is visibly missing us - not sure that it's us so much as the good deal he's only just realised he was on by living at home and having Mum and Dad do so much for him - washing, ironing, cooking, making the bed - which I noticed wasn't made when we were there mate!
Lunch was at the Wynnum Tavern which was as good as the last time we were there for Jessica's birthday. We just chatted casually with each other, with Joe and I telling them all all bout our new life and the things we are hating about it and the things that we love about it. It was so nice having Amy join us, even though her and Jayden aren't officially together anymore, they obviously still have a great friendship which has been important enough for them to keep and have obviously been able to work out any of the problems that led to their break up. I know Jayden spends at least a couple of nights with Amy's family, which is nice for me to know he's getting at least some home cooked food.

Another great thing that happened on the weekend - I went to see MY chiropractor, Dr Mike and guess what, he fixed my problem, it took a couple of days to settle down after I'd seen him, but I feel really good again and it's great.

We had been to Harvey Norman in Bundall where I bought my new ipod so we dropped in to see Jared (brother) Aline and the kids, because they are just around the corner from there and would you believe it - they weren't home!! Happy 9th Birthday for Sunday Daniel, we're sorry we missed you.

Well, unfortunately I have been very slack and it's now nearly a week since we've been back here and the time away seems like just a distant memory - but in a way that's good, because we've got one week down so now there's only 4 to go before we get to do it again!!!

Off to see the kids.

We have now been living and working in Calliope for 4 weeks – and without a day off so we are starting to feel the pinch a little.

Every time I think about the kids or someone asks me how they’re doing, I get a little teary, so we decided to get a kids fix - bite the bullet and take some time out.
We are leaving here this morning after we’ve done the banking then we’re heading off for a long weekend. The only down side is the 6 hour drive each way, taking away 12 hours of our time off in the car, but I’m happy enough to sacrifice that time for the break away.

Things are going really well; finally I’m making a little more sense of the back office procedures. Joe handles all the ordering/reps and the majority of staff issues – and we have plenty of them. It’s feels like a constant battlefield, trying to keep everyone happy, motivated and productive. We are certainly not there yet and I know that those issues will always be a work in progress.

We are excited about a new salad bar fridge that will be going into the shop next week, which will give many more healthier choices for our customers instead of all the greasy, oil laden, heart attack in a bag food – you get the picture.
I am famous (in my family circle anyway) for my garden and potato salads, which are always requested if there is a bbq on, which I’m happy to prepare and supply and I’m keen to find more ideas to add to my repertoire.

In the time since packing up the house and moving here our diet has been less than desirable and living above a commercial kitchen where everything you could possibly want is just an order away from your plate, I decided not to risk falling into any bad habits right from the start, so to prepare myself for healthier food choices I decided to go onto a short 15 day detox program.
I started last Monday so as of today I have been going for 11 days with really good results – except for yesterday that is!! For some reason I just felt really hungry and not just hunger pangs, but cravings for a toasted ham, cheese and tomato sandwich (why that I have no idea). It really challenged my will power and I’m ashamed to say, I gave in – and may I say, I gave in really easily – I was a walk over for that pesky craving and on top of that (as if that wasn’t bad enough) I had a honey and malt flavoured milk to wash it down!!! I know, shame on me.
All I can say is tomorrow is another day and I hope to do better then.

Even though I am getting a lot more exercise in my day than I used to sitting at a desk, my poor old lonely dejected Mr Treadmill hasn’t even made his way through the door yet and is still sitting out on the verandah in the cold, covered in a big plastic bag that came off the new mattress we bought up with us – now it looks as though its huge robust frame won’t even fit and it seems destined to while away his days on the outer. So now I’ve decided it's about time I started giving him the attention he deserves and if Mohamed won’t come to the mountain, the mountain will have to go to Mohamed…or something like that.

An extension lead will do the trick!
Then all I will need to get myself going is an ipod and a little motivation, then me and the big boy can get moving again.

Remembering Luke

It's hard to believe it's been 6 years today since the world as we knew it would be forever changed.

The day that death came to our door.
A tribute to my nephew Luke.
15th Feb 1984 - 2nd Aug 2002

We are a very large family, Mum & Dad, 7 children, 14 grandchildren, 2 sons in law and 2 daughters in law.....we have been so blessed over the years, never before to have experienced the sorrow and grief of losing a loved one so close to us.

Luke was the first born grandson to my parents and because his father had so little to do with him, my father, his grandfather, became his role model.
He had always talked about going to America, he'd made friends with a family in a chat room on the internet who were from Atlanta, Georgia and since then set himself the goal to save enough money so he could travel there to meet them. He worked really hard and even moved to country Victoria to work on a dairy farm, where in a bizarre event his accommodation burned to the ground, in which he was extremely lucky to have escaped from. Of course he reached that goal before too long and he was finally on his way. My sister reluctantly agreed to let him go, really having no other choice and when the day came for him to leave, through tears she waved him farewell. I'm sure if she'd have realised that it would be the last time she would ever see his beautiful face alive, she would have dragged his butt out of the car and locked him in his room, then threw away the key.

In December 2001 Luke finally arrived in America, he saw New York and sent home photos of Ground Zero. He celebrated bringing in the new year in Times Square, visited Wall Street and Central Park. He went to Los Angeles, Florida, Georgia, Alabama and Tennessee.
After his holiday in the US, he went on to the UK to work and save more money so he could go back to the US. He worked in hotels on an ancestors visa, he really didn't enjoy England much, but stuck it out, saved his money and got back to America in July 2002.........

Mum & Dad were a constant presence in his life, he loved and respected them both dearly. Luke kept in regular contact with them while he was away, with AOL and phone calls. He had a web cam so they could see him while they were chatting.
I remember Leandra always threatening the kids if they got out of line that she would tell Grandpa. They soon straightened up because they didn't want their Grandpa to think any less of them, they just wanted their Grandparents to be proud of them....and they were, always.
My dad took the time with Luke as he was growing up to teach him what being a man is all about, set examples and good morals...Luke learned well.

He took care of his mother and two elder sisters, their well being, security and comfort. He helped with the shopping, the washing, the banking and anything else that needed to be done when he thought his Mum needed a bit of an extra hand. He took on the role of the man of the house at a very young age, because his father couldn't be relied upon to always be there for them. The insight and awareness from someone so young is astounding. To know that if you wanted something, you had to work hard and honestly. In this generation where buy now pay later credit society is the norm, he didn't take that road. He worked, he earned, he bought, he paid. Where does someone so young get such a strong sense of himself and the confidence to swim against the current?

It was 8.30am Saturday, a beautiful Queensland winters morning when I got the phone call that would change my very being forever. Leandra, my older sister, said through a trembling, crying voice, "Jose, my baby's dead"!
I was confused, her and I both call all our kids our babies. I said, "Which one"? and she said "Luke, Luke's dead"! I'm not sure what I said to her then, I was in shock, I didn't know what to say. My whole body went limp and I just kept saying through hysterical tears, "Oh my God, no"!
I asked her how she knew and she had told me that two police officers had come to the door and asked if they could come in and sit down...she knew what they were going to say before they uttered a word because the girls were both there with her, she knew that it had to be Luke. Every parents worst nightmare and it had come true for my sister. It had come screaming through her front door like a steam train out of control, sending her whole world upside down. She didn't believe what these two strangers in uniforms, sitting in her lounge room were telling her.
I asked her if she had told anyone else yet and she said that she couldn't contact Mum and Dad because they had gone to the Temple. I told her to ring Kylie, our younger sister, she said she would and hung up.

By this time I had both my children by my side, wondering what was going on. When I told them they just sobbed and went into shock. They had so many questions that I couldn't answer, simply because I didn't know myself. How? When? Where?
I walked around the house in a daze, I live so far away, but I just wanted to be there and put my arms around her and the girls. I was worried about Mum and Dad and what affect the news would have on them, since Dad had so recently undergone open heart surgery. I didn't want them to be told, but of course they had to be.

Joe wasn't home at the time either, so I tried to call him on his mobile, it rang once and then went dead. He had gone to the dentist, I assumed he was in the chair and had switched his phone off as soon as it rang. I felt so helpless. My mind was spinning, first with the horrific news and then with how I was going to get to Melbourne to be with my family. Would Joe and kids be able to cope without me, would I be able to take time off work, could we afford for me to go, how is Lee ever going to get through this, how are any of us going to get through this, he's so far away..why does he have to be so far away? All these questions going through my head at once.

I rang two of my brothers, who both also live on the Gold Coast, first James, he told me, "Don't worry sweetie, I'm on my way" and then Jared, he wasn't home, Aline answered the phoned. I said, "Hi love", she said "Hello", I asked if Jared was there and she said, "No, he's at work, is everything all right"? I said, "No, Lee just rang, Luke's been killed in a car accident"! I heard her gasp for air and lose control for a second, she regained her composure and said, "I'll try and get a hold of him" and hung up.

It wasn't long after that, that Joe got home. Jessica, Jayden and I walked towards him, he had a big grin on his face, one that said, that wasn't fun and I'm glad it's over...and then a puzzled look, because he could see that we were crying. I told him what had happened and he put his big strong arms around us and we all cried together in the hallway of our home.

The next couple of hours are a blur...Joe had organised a flight and he and Jessica had washed and packed clothes for me, while I had a shower and got ready to leave. By this time news had spread and the phone was ringing off the hook, family members checking up on each other for comfort and support.

I can't express enough what a great sense of loss we all felt immediately, even before the shock had set in and worn off. None of us could believe it, none of us wanted to believe it. I kept thinking of all the times I put off sitting down and writing an e-mail to him, just to let him know that I was thinking of him and wondering how he was doing. We had been kept so well in touch with his trip through Lee, all the photo's he had sent home, she would send them all through to us as soon as she got them. She was missing him terribly and worried about him being so far away but she was so proud that he was living his dream and he had made it come true all on his own. It takes a gutsy person to do what he did without a traveling companion, let alone a seventeen year old kid...but then again that may have been in his favour. He was so young and maybe a little naive about the dangers. Life at that age is endless...or so we think!

The week I spent in Melbourne, with my Mum and Dad, my sisters, nieces and nephews and my only brother that lives there were full of mixed emotions and I can tell you we ran through the whole gammit of them. We had never loved each other and also hated some traits in some of us more than for those few days we spent mourning the loss of one of the links in our family chain and preparing our last farewell for him.
We were kept busy with the normal expected details of preparing a funeral, then also with the added burden of trying to bring our beloved Luke home to us from another country, a country that we we're unfamiliar with the sorts of laws and regulations that were involved. I hate to think what Mum and Dad's phone bill was like by the end of that month...but as is always the case these things have a way of working out and with a lot of help from the most beautiful, compassionate, loving, caring people from my Mum and Dad's church, everything came together beautifully.

My family, Joe, Jessica and Jayden arrived with my cousin Lynda, (who became very close to Luke after he moved up here for a little while. They even met up in England, when she was overseas and she really was the last person from our family to have seen and spent time with him) from the Gold Coast on Saturday. It was such a relief to have them there with us, I was starting to burn out from grief and lack of sleep, it was as if the back up calvary had arrived. Then my brothers, James and Jared and Jared's partner Aline arrived on Monday...the only people missing were Jared and Alines two boys and my brother Darren and his family who were unable to get away from Vietnam where they'd been working and I know that it wasn't for the lack of trying. Darren is really the "brick" in our family and we all desperately needed him to be there. I knew I had a big pair of shoes to fill in his absence and I hope I did you proud Dags!

Tuesday 13th, 2002. It had been 11 days after the tragic news and we were all gathered together, family, friends, acquaintances, even Joe's Mum and Dad, brother Ralph and sister-in-law Anna had traveled from Tooleybuc. The church was packed, right to the back, we were all there to say our final good bye to a young man with an old soul, who had packed such a lot of adventures into his short 18 years, who had achieved things men twice his age can only dream of. Who had touched and impacted so many people from so many different walks of life, young and old.

You are a credit to those who loved you Luke. You now go on to a much more peaceful place, where there are no wars, disease or hunger, no tears and no fears, no hatred or disdain. While we that are left behind are filled with heavy hearts and beautiful memories of your short but sweet life.

We will remember and talk of you fondly forever and we will tell our children and our grandchildren of our brave and sweet Luke who set goals and never let anything get in the way of achieving them, I pray that your courage will influence all our lives for as long as we live.
Until we met again,
Loving you always,
Aunty Jose xxxx