I am blessed

I am eternally grateful and thank God for the difficult times.
Finally, I see the blessings in disguise. The lessons learned, the personal growth, the relationships worth nurturing and the ones to once and for all let go of.

I am in a good place in my life. I'm working hard and am thankful that I have the physical ability to do what I do every day.

I have so much real, tangible, genuine love in my life, I know this because I feel it right down to the core of my being, it is as real and safe to me as the touch of the softest woollen blanket.

I am blessed.

When I woke up this morning, I realised that yesterday was over. Tomorrow hasn't arrived. I am here, in the now, breathing in and out, thinking one thought at a time. What has happened in the world while I've been sleeping is immaterial. What will happen will happen. I can only influence what happens to me by choosing my thoughts carefully. I can choose my reactions to what happens around me. These choices happen one by one, one breath, one thought, one moment at a time.

I'm thankfully past the point of feeling that my life will implode if I make a wrong move - I've made plenty of them and here I still stand. The sky did not fall in.

There is some part of me that seems to be constantly discontent, wishing for "someday" and "something" to happen so that I can be more satisfied than I currently am, so that I can finally begin living my life. It is a natural position of the physical and emotional body wanting to cast off the feeling of being squeezed by life's cares and difficulties so that pressure can be relieved. And I imagine that once the steam in the engine has been allowed to escape, the relaxation of the release will allow feelings of overwhelming joy and grace to fill up the spaces formerly inhabited by stress and disharmony.

It has been said that the only two things in this life that can be guaranteed include dying and taxes. I submit to you that there are two more: We are guaranteed that we will experience challenge of various types that require internal growth to successfully manage and it is certain that we will occasionally look around and want more than what we have.

Finally, when all is said and done, I would like to think that when my time is over on this earth, that I will be missed but not mourned, I hope that the thought of me will conger up happiness and smiles, not tears and sorrow.

It was pure coincidence that I came across this poem while I was writing this post, I thought it was very appropriate.

The Test

The test of a man is the fight he makes
The grit that he daily shows;
The way he stands on his feet and takes
Fate's numerous bumps and blows.
A coward can smile when there's naught to fear,
When nothing his progress bars,
But it takes a man to stand up and cheer
While some other fellow stares.

It isn't the victory after all,
But the fight that a brother makes,
The man, who, driven against the wall,
Still stands up erect and takes
The blows of fate with his head held high
Bleeding and bruised and pale,
He's the man who'll win in the by and by,
For he isn't afraid to fail.

It's the bumps you get and the jolts you get
And the shocks that your courage stands,
The hours of sorrow and vain regret,
The prize that escapes your hands,
That test your mettle and prove your worth.
It isn't the blows you deal,
But the blows you take on this good, old earth
That shows if your stuff is real.

- Anonymous

Ladies, prepare to drool!!

Ok girls, finally - here they are!
Tracey was very gracious and persevered relentlessly to get these to me (only after a little (lot) pestering, sorry Trace). After having problems with her computer and trying a few times, she almost gave up and told me she would pop them on a disc and post them to me.
I was ok with that and completely grateful for all the trouble she was going to. Then, to my surprise, when I woke and checked my email yesterday morning - there they were! Yay!
I can't explain just how down to earth and natural this young man was and oh, that smile, it just lights up the room. As you can tell, I was very impressed.

I'm actually really sorry now, because there were people getting up on stage and having their photos taken with him- I unfortunately had not had enough to drink so didn't have the courage!
Damn!!
Then, as if that regret wasn't bad enough, I had another lost opportunity, because later that night...much later, around 2.30 in the morning in fact, Joe and I had decided to call it a night and after saying our goodbyes to everyone headed to our room. We got up to our floor and out of the elevator when who do you think was rounding the corner and walking down our corridor in our direction - yep there he was and what do you think I did - smiled widely (you know how you do when you see someone you know) then said hi! (again like I knew him) He smiled that beautiful smile, said hi back and with that he had past us and was gone - double damn!!

Happy Anniversary

It is amazing how quickly our lives are passing us by. I can't believe it was twelve months in October since Joe and I drove to Melbourne to attend the wedding of our gorgeous niece Elizabeth and her beautiful man, Gavin.
For their 1st wedding anniversary I did some digital scrapbooking layouts with their wedding photos then uploaded them to the Apple site, where they printed them in a hard cover coffee table format book.
It was so much fun to do and even more exciting when It finally arrived in the mail and I got to see it in real life.
I posted it off the the newlyweds then waited for their response. It was a total surprise for them, they had no idea what was in the parcel when it finally got to them.
I got a very teary, excited phone call from Libby, letting me know how much she loved it - mission accomplished!!

Libby and Gavin left for Bali on Sunday for a little wedding anniversary getaway - of course they had organised and paid for it long before the executions of the 'Bali Bombers', so right now we are just hoping and praying that they are having a really fun time, but that they are staying safe!

Farewell to Blair

We had some really sad news on Monday. My girlfriend Jo Monique phoned to tell me that her ex-boyfriend, who she has remained close with, were still friends and in contact with, had died.
At just 37 years of age, he was found dead in his shower after suffering from a heart attack on Monday morning.
She is obviously devastated and trying to come to terms with this tragic news.
His family flew over from New Zealand on Tuesday to make the funeral arrangements and say their final farewell to their precious son and brother, which was held at Mary Immaculate church, Ashmore, at 11:30 today.

He sadly leaves behind a beautiful little 1 year old boy, who I'm sure will be surrounded by his extended family's love, laughter and stories about his Dad as he grows.

A poem from Jo

If tears could build a stairway,
And memories a lane,
We'd walk right up to heaven,
And bring you home again.

Loving memories always!
Jo, Broc, Aaron & Madison

.
In memory of Blair McCormack
29/6/1971 - 3/11/2008
R.I.P

Rockhampton visit

The week we had with Mum and Dad went way too quickly. It was so nice to have them here and for them to see our new 'digs' and our new lifestyle.
We managed a day trip to Rockhampton. We were able to get around to the two houses we lived in, the school we went to, the church we attended. Even though I had been back a couple of times, it was fascinating to hear their stories of that time in our lives, stories that I had forgotten or was too young to remember

.

We lived there when I was between the ages of 4 and 6 and it's truly amazing the depth of the memories that I can summon up from that period, considering I was so young. I think it's because I would consider it for some reason, the happiest time of my childhood.
The second house we lived in was actually the first home my mother and father owned. It cost them $6,000 in 1967.
It was a cosy little three bedroom, weather board home with a back yard that backed onto property that stabled horses. We had a chicken coop right down the back that we collected eggs from and to get to it we had an old wooden turn style gate.
The lady that lived next door kept turkeys and us kids were terrified of them, they used to wander over to our side of the yard and I remember one day they had my sister and I bailed up, so we climbed on top of the old gate and with hysterical tears, screamed for Mum to come and save us.
We had an gorgeous old mango tree right at the back door and in the summer Mum would put us in a cool bath and we'd spend an hour cooling off and eating juicy mangoes.

We also had a baby lamb that my sister and brothers would feed with a bottle - sweet, beautiful memories.

The plans of my brother James and his wife Kelli coming up to spend the weekend then take Mum and Dad back to the coast with them were changed with the decision to make a doctors appointment for myself on the Gold Coast, as it turned out I was able to get one for 2pm Friday - nothing to worry about, just having my hormone levels checked to see if I need any supplements. Being a girl is so much fun!
In light of the changed plans, meant we could bring Mum and Dad back with us. So Joe decided to make an event of it, booked into Jupiters again where we stayed the previous week, then caught the monorail across to Broadbeach and had dinner at our favourite restaurant- Koi. Never a disappointing dining experience - 'Delious'

On Saturday, we did a bit of shopping at Pacific Fair (fun)!!, then did a few other jobs that required some running around. (not so much fun)!
Saturday was also James' birthday, so at around 12 o'clock we picked up Jayden from where he's living in Sorrento and headed out to Chambers Flat for a BBQ at his house - and of course I took advantage of the photo op!!

Our weekend away was very romantic and relaxing and it's something that we're going to make a habit of doing more often!!

PS. Thank you to Julie and Diane for the comments you posted about my last blog - I phoned Tracey yesterday and asked if she could send me the photos of Guy Sebastian and unfortunately I got her at a really bad time - one of her staff had just had a fall and she was in the middle of attending to her and the arrival of the ambulance - I will try her again tomorrow though.

to be continued....

It feels like forever since I've been able to find the time to post on my blog...our week on the Gold Coast has come and gone and it definitely feels like a distant memory.
After traveling for 6 hours, we arrived home at around 6:00 Friday night with our very special cargo, Mum, Dad and their toy poodle Maddi and then the routine of work and being back here rapidly started all over again.
I was up and back into it Saturday bright and early and was doing my best to get myself in the right mindset that would settle me into the reality that the break was over - it took all of about 10 minutes of going downstairs for me to realise that yes, I was in fact back!!
My world which had been insulated from stress for the past 5 days was suddenly ended after having words with and sorting out one of the staff after we were told of some things being said by her about Joe and I, which was personal and have nothing to do with any part of her job or any of her business, the fact that she was doing it normally wouldn't have worried me too much if it was just the typical in house bitching amongst themselves that we've had to get used to in our short time here, but no, because it was about Joe and I, believe me, I saw red, pink and blue!!
I don't think she'll be doing it again in a hurry, or looking me straight in the eye any time soon.
I honestly didn't know I had it in me to confront and stand up for myself the way I did, so I surprised myself and I know I surprised her too, she absolutely did not see it coming and it was obviously something I hadn't anticipated doing when I woke that day.
I was really sad and disappointed all day after that, I didn't cry or even feel like crying, but I felt a heaviness of the weight of the responsibility that we have taken on and the intrusion it's had on our personal life which I hadn't contemplated when taking on this position.
It's definitely a unique position to be in and I truly believe it's enabled us to show our strengths and weaknesses, we absolutely have to keep a sense of humour and maybe not take things too seriously, sometimes harder to do than say.
I originally told Joe that I would give the service station game a go for 3 months and if after that time if I either wasn't enjoying it or felt that we were having too much 'together' time that I would look for a job in town and leave him to it - well, I was thinking at that moment that that time had come.
Anyway, we really did enjoy our break away from Calliope and the service stations staff and dramas.
We got to catch up with Joe's old bosses and friends from Freedom fuels, they were all really happy to see him, which was nice.
On Tuesday night there was a welcome to the event, buffet dinner, which had been set up outside around one the the pools at the casino. It was very impressive, that was until the heavens opened up and the most massive raindrops started to fall and the thunder and lightening came with such a crashing noise that quickly prompted 300 people to all at once converge to the nearest under cover we could find and after having spent $300 dollars on getting my hair done the day before, the only thought I had was to keep it dry!
The next day was the convention part of the schedule, with a panel of company experts sharing their knowledge of the products that were to be on offer throughout the day and an interesting line up of guest speakers, which included General Peter Cosgrove and a very inspiring man named John Coutis, born with a severe disability that rendered his legs useless, then later having them amputated, leaving him with only his torso and upper limbs. His story is a very powerful and inspiring one. His happy attitude and his positive outlook on life are truly amazing, told with hilarious humour which left me with an amazing admiration for this mans ability to live such an authentic life despite his many challenges.
To end the day and the convention we attended the Gala dinner with a Gangster theme, although we didn't dress up, surprisingly many did go to an awful lot of effort to look the part. We had a gorgeous three course meal and while we ate we were entertained by the casino's theatrical team who put on a stage musical of love, loss and of course a happy ending coming on in increments throughout dinner with a gangster style emcee explaining the storyline before each act.
Then there was the hypnotist, John St James. I've never been terribly impressed with this style of entertainment, but I must admit it was very amusing to watch.
A couple of the volunteers were hilarious to watch, even though I was still very skeptical I have to admit it was very entertaining.

But the highlight of the few days away for me was the final performer we were treated to - Guy Sebastian!! OMG, totally awesome.
The whole room was so impressed with his amazing personality and genuine generosity of his time and talent. Joe and I danced for every single song and after about 3 encores it was disappointingly all over. I do have photos of me with Guy, (well of me dancing, after positioning myself very inconspicuously in front of the stage he was up on), but Tracey, the Sarina site manager took them on her camera, so I have to get her to send them to me. I will definitely post them once I have them.

It has taken me so long to get this post finished that we have been gone and are now back from the Gold Coast again, just getting back this morning - but that is a whole other story which I will hopefully get the time to post about tomorrow.....to be continued!

Celebrating another year....

We celebrated Joe's birthday yesterday. It's the first birthday away from our kids, extended family and friends, so we weren't sure how to commemorate the occasion.
I really wanted to do something that made it special and marked the unique environment we are trying to adjust to. I have been racking my brain for days, trying to come up with an appropriate gift, unfortunately he is very hard to buy for, he doesn't often express his want of anything in particular and if there's something he needs for himself, he usually just buys it.
The only thing I could think of was after remembering he had mentioned just in passing that he would like a new wedding ring - after being married for 25 years, his was quite dated and worn, so he was thinking something a little more modern and stylish.
The only problem with purchasing a gift for him is that, he is always with me, we go into town at least two times a week to do the banking and any other incidental tasks that need attending to. So this morning, I just told him I was going into town to pick up a few things and without question, he simply said, 'ok'.

After agonising over a couple of really gorgeous wedding bands, I finally decided to go with the more expensive one, only because I fell in love with it, but also because I felt he deserved to be spoiled, firstly because he is such a hard worker and never asks for anything for himself, worrying only about everyone else's needs and desires and secondly because he very lovingly and patiently puts up with me, my insecurities, my pms and my constant whinging!
I got them to gift wrap it, bought a special birthday card and stopped at the bakery and bought 2 slices a mudcake (so very naughty)!
When I got home I wrote in the card, put some sparklers in his piece of mudcake then called him upstairs to give him his gift.
He was so surprised and told me he wouldn't have guessed in a million years that that was what I was up to, which made it even more perfect.
He really, really loves it and an extra special added bonus was that it was the perfect size.
The only thing I had to go on was a pretty mangled old ring of his that, firstly I had to find and after the recent move, was not an easy task, the poor old thing even has a split in the band which made it even more difficult for them to estimate the size.
So all in all a very successful exercise with an equally satisfying outcome.
It is so cute, a couple of times I've caught him looking down at his hand to check out the new bling. I think he really likes it.
We made reservations for the Rusty Anchor in Gladstone, a restaurant that was recommended to us by one of our reps. It was ok, really nothing to rave about, but at the same time not an awful experience. We stopped in at the bottle shop on the way home for a little bottle of red, then we just relaxed for the rest of the evening.
A day well spent and Joe expressed many times how grateful he was for the effort and how special it made him feel but also he made it very clear how unnecessary all the fuss was!

___________________________________________________________

Earlier in the week, I got a phone call from Jo Monique asking if I would be interested in designing a DL flyer to advertise the new plus size womens store in Southport which she is managing, her and her boss were really happy with what I came up with. They are opening a new store in Beenleigh early next year and will be wanting a catalogue advertising their range - I'm very excited about the prospect of doing that for them.

_______________________________________________________

On the Mum and Dad front, I was so glad to hear that my Mum and Dad had finally gotten into Brissy to see some of Dads family. It's taken a few weeks for Mum to feel well enough to make the trip. She has started on accupuncture treatment, which seems to have had miraculous results, everyone is rapt with the difference it has made to her and with that the ripple effect it's having on Dad, it's like a weight has been lifted and he is so grateful to James and Kelli for being so welcoming and supportive, we all are.
We are looking forward to a visit from Mum and Dad at the end of the month. Joe and I have a UCB conference (for work) on the Gold Coast on the 20th-24th staying at Jupiters Casino - very exciting!! So we'll bring them back up here with us then and James and Kelli will come up a week or two after that to take them back home again.
We got a call from them last night to wish Joe a happy birthday and when I was talking to Mum, it was like I was speaking to a completely different person.
They had been out to Pauly's place (friend of James) and had a bit of a karaoke session, Dad who has a brilliant singing voice made himself at home with the mic and my mother was one of the back up dancers!!!
She sounded so happy relaying the night back to me, I just wish I could have been there to see it for myself. James told me he has it on video and Dad made a date for a duo between himself and I for when we are there next week.
We'll get Mum and Joe up to do the shoop-shoop for us as well! I'll try and get it on video and post it next time I update the blog - Yeah, I know, now you're either really scared now or just very amused!

Our first official visitor.

Aaron, our godson, arrived from the Gold Coast on Thursday 18th, Joe and I drove to Rockhampton to pick him up from the airport, an hour from Calliope - not a very exciting trip made even less spectacular with annoying hold ups for road works, but we arrived with just enough time to park the car, go to the toilet and buy a drink from the ever exorbitant kiosk all airports are renown for: $10 for 2 bottles of pump water!!!

Aaron was the first off the plane and we could see him making his way very confidently off the tarmac and into the terminal where his eyes darted from person to person in search of us, then with a tinge of relief which I'm sure we we're not meant to see when he spotted us. He surprised us totally by opening his arms and wrapping them around us both at the same time. It was a good start to our time together.

One his arrival at the servo, we were totally blown away with the way he got straight in and helped in the shop. He was excited and enthusiastic and honestly put our 16 year old juniors to shame with his thought process of what he could see that needed to be done and the way he looked for and found jobs to do without having to be told or asking, from pulling the stock forward in the fridge to filling up the cigarette displays, he was just always busy and productive, amazing for a child of 13. By the end of his time with us, he was serving customers, filling up the hotbox, using the tills and eftpos machines. He helped Uncle Joe in the warehouse sorting stock and driving the fork lift. His favourite job was mowing the lawns with the ride on mower.

As it turned out the twelve day stint was a little long and five or six would have been a much better time frame, he was missing his family and friends by the end and had lost all interest in everything, spending the last 5 days sleeping until late in the morning, then watching dvd's in bed for the rest of the day - we were all counting the sleeps at the end just waiting for Tuesday to arrive. We drove him back to Rockhampton to catch his flight home yesterday.

So now everything here is back to normal. Peace and quiet is good! Aaron phoned us when he landed last night and told us he loved us, so we've all survived unscathed and open to the thought of maybe doing it again sometime, just not for as long I think.

I want to be on the other side of tomorrow...

When I get there, I want to be scar free, fancy free and care free.
I want to dance in the wind, draw on the footpath and laugh so hard that my sides hurt.
I want to live in a spotless house, give into my cravings and never have to blow dry my hair.
I want my children to still need me, furniture that doesn't attract dust and a brand new wallet.

I want to be on the other side of tomorrow.

I want to close my eyes, go to sleep and wake in the morning in a downy bed of cloudy white.
I want to say everything well, smile everything better and smooth everything over.

I want to be on the other side of tomorrow.

I want to be size 10, eat size 24 and exercise size 36.
I want to sing in a choir without attending rehearsals.
I want to paint like Van Gogh and keep both of my ears.

I want to be on the other side of tomorrow and get there without moving a muscle.

But life demands that I stand up, walk out of my door, open my mind and think.

Life will not allow me to escape the truth which is this:

Sometimes, it's necessary to force myself through tough walls of prickly people and difficult decisions and sometimes it takes every sole thing I own to keep working harder, keep praying firmer and to keep hanging onto the faith I believe is more durable than the barrier that is holding me back in today.

Effort is required if I am ever going to arrive on the other side of tomorrow.
*************************************************************************************

Melt down!

It finally happened, after two and a half months of learning, listening and labouring, it all of a sudden hit me.

I was feeling a lot homesick!

All it took was one of our staff to come into work in a bad mood and all those weeks of non stop on the go madness had brought me to my knees.
She single handedly managed to change the whole atmosphere of the place and I could feel myself getting more and more aggravated about it.

It was really bothering me, a lot more than it should have and all I kept thinking was -
'How dare she'!!! How dare she come in here with a dark cloud hanging above her head!
What the hell has she got to be angry about - she gets to leave once her shift is finished, she gets to go home to her children and hug them and kiss them and talk with them, she gets to have a social life that includes her leaving the four walls of her home and then she gets to sleep in in the morning, she gets to have familiar faces around her, ones that light up with love when they see her arrive.

I get to do none of that - bitter, I hear you say?
Do I sound bitter? I suppose just at that moment I was a little bitter, but I'm good now, I'm over it and have been able to put things into perspective. Even though we're enjoying the change and the challenge, it's inevitable that every now and again we, me, are going to feel the pressure and loneliness of being away from all that is familiar to us.

Another one of our staff rang me the next day to ask how I was, I told her I was fine and that I was having a much better day, she asked if I was busy, I told her I wasn't, she asked if I was in the office and I told her I was. She then said good, I'd really like to come and see you, I'll be there in about fifteen minutes.
I was really worried, I didn't know why she was coming or what it is she wanted to say to me, of course I thought the worst, so I just kept myself busy until she arrived, but then when she got here, she carried in a box and said this is for you, I've been thinking about you all morning and wanted to do something to cheer you up - she had potted me half a dozen plants, that she obviously grows and in one of them she had written a note and attached it on a stick, it said:
Here's a little bit of colour to brighten up your day!

How nice was that? It was a really lovely thing for her to do. I'm going to buy some new pots for them and put them on my little verandah, that will give me something to care for, since I'm feeling a little obsolete in that area without the kids close by.

We had some really exciting news this week. The company have asked me to do some design and printing work for the whole chain. They need tickets for some new products and also some advertising material. They've bought me a new Canon printer and an A3 laminator and delivered them here yesterday, but with my experience in printing, I've asked if it would be possible to get some prices on a professional colour printer, which they've allowed me to do.
I phoned Andrew who I used to work with at Konica Minolta and he's going to see what they have available in our price range down there and if all goes well, will organise to have it delivered up here - I'm very excited about it all.

They've also asked Joe and I to set out a new menu for the chain. They have been taking notice of the interest we've taken in our current menu and the steps we've taken to make some changes to us and with that the success and the feedback we've had.

Here are some samples of what we've been doing:

So all at Calliope, Central Queensland is well at present.

We have another trip home to see the kids next weekend, which is giving us both something to look forward to. We haven’t had a day off since we got back from the last trip away.
I spoke to Jo last night and since we have missed some family celebrations in the past few weeks, we’re going to go and do something special together to make up for them – which includes Aaron’s 13th birthday (Godson) – he’s now an official teenager and yes, we should all be worried!!

Happy birthday for the 1st of September, we love you Az!

About a boy...

Isn't it funny how mundane our everyday events are and often we all just yearn for something drastic to happen to bring us out of a sleepy everyday into a fun, exciting, new being.
Even though most of us don't like change, once it happens we often wonder why we hadn't moved towards a new direction sooner.
As it happens, the change for us has come with perfect timing. We have fulfilled our parental obligations and now have two amazing children flying solo, we are still young enough to venture into new territory with only the slightest degree of grey matter which doesn't appear to be preventing us from learning new tricks (only just though), we had no real estate to deal with which would have won over on a sentimental vote and we still really enjoy each others company - so like I said - perfect timing.

We've hit a few bumps in the road, which were expected and I especially found the ground a little shaky to start, but now we are just taking it as it comes and not stressing too much about what we have little control over.
A good way to live your life really!

We're introducing new lines, ideas and character to this place we now call home and we are beginning to see a shift in the attitudes of the staff and have noticed a swing in the acceptance of us being here.
It's a lot of pressure and a lot of work - having done a couple of 26 hour shifts filling in for AWOL staff, but even then we haven't entertained the idea of it being a little too much we've bitten off.

The day we've been dreading since we arrived is almost upon us - Sunday 24th August, MARKET DAY at the Calliope Historical Village - we've heard nothing but horror stories about how absolutely, insanely busy that day is - we have extra staff on the ready, stocked up on supplies and upped the levels for the ATM machine. So all I can say now is, 'come and get us', we're ready!!

Another recent, curious event that has brought some sunshine to my life is the blossoming friendship I have found with an old school friend, which seems to have not been limited by distance or time.
We have discovered we have so much in common, both with people and experiences with some amazing parallels.
We have even determined we also have connections with the same people or of people that know people - it has been a very bizarre phenomenon, stirring up memories of a much earlier life and allowing myself the luxury of taking a trip back in time.

To be drawn back there only to realise that the perception of yourself and the events that occurred back then may not necessarily be the core truth as you may have believed and that your perceived clarity of certain situations may undoubtedly be inaccurate.

To then also have a major event be qualified by the truth as you in your heart knew it to be, after being told at the time it was something else, brought unexpected closure with a tinge of sadness which then turned into a, ‘what could have been’ scenario.

You see, when I was sixteen, I was in love and in fact I was head over heels in love with a boy who was eighteen. He was in the Air Force, based in Wagga, so it was a long distance romance that we dealt with by writing letters to each other everyday.
He would come home about every second weekend and we would spend the whole time together, until it was time for him to leave again on Sunday afternoon.
I remember seeing him off and crying and just wanting one more kiss before he went, because I knew it would be the last one in a long time. I loved his kisses the best and I missed him so much.
We had been seeing each other for about 6 months when on one of his weekends home he hadn't called me, which was uncharacteristic, this was before mobile phone technology, so on Saturday afternoon he finally rang and asked me to meet him at the local milk bar. I wasn't sure what was wrong, all I knew is I really wanted to know, so I walked around and met him. I could tell that whatever he had to tell me, I wasn't going to want to hear - of course I was right.
He was breaking up with me, he couldn't really give me a straight answer, but in my heart I knew exactly why he was doing it.
I knew his mother was behind it in some way, but I couldn't understand at the time why he would even listen to her, I know he had the same feelings for me as I had for him and that I wasn’t imagining that. When I asked him if that was the reason, he vehemently denied that it was and eventually I had to accept that he had made up his mind and nothing I was saying was making any difference to his resolve.
I remember walking home crying hysterical tears, because at sixteen having your heart broken felt like it was the end of the world and that it was never ever going to mend.

Of course it did mend and went on to love again, but I have recently learned through my friend who has connections with my old flames family that in fact my suspicions were correct and his mother had apparently given him an ultimatum – it was either her or me and even though he made the decision to abide by his mothers demands, in his heart it wasn’t what he wanted and it took a long time for him to get over his apparent broken heart too and didn’t come home for a long time after that weekend. I’m sure there was more to it than that, but that information was enough for me to feel a little vindicated, but at the same time sorry for that boy, who even though he didn’t want to respected his family’s wishes enough to sacrifice himself for them.
To have my doubts validated long after I thought I even cared meant more to me than I would have laid claim to prior, but in going back and really remembering the feelings attached to the event was very healing – it was a pleasant visit and it just shows that if there is unfinished business or unanswered questions that time doesn’t have to be a barrier to the truth.

I have often thought about the boy since that horrible day and wondered if he had ever thought about me.
I may never know?
I still have all those letters he wrote to me for all those months, they have been stored at my parents home for the past twenty something years and one day, if the mood is right, I just might dig them out and read them all over again.

Recharged

Well, our weekend away has come and gone, but we had a really great time and got to recharge our batteries. Seeing the kids, holding them, kissing them, just being Mum was something I had been hanging out for and my thirst was quenched. They both look really well and happy and I've come back here feeling confident that I can now do another 5 weeks before we head off again for another dose of family.

Jo and Andy were once again very generous with their warmth and love and they made us feel very welcome and comfortable. We now have our own key to the front door, so we can come and go as we please - We love you guys. It's about time we were able to return the favour and show you some good old country Calliope hospitality. So how 'bout it??

Saturday night we had tea out with them and also with Jo's brother Paul and his wife Emma, who we've also known for years. We had a really fun night, filled with good food, good wine and great company. We went to a little Thai restaurant in Helensvale, it was a late dinner, we weren't booked in until 8 o'clock and it was closer to 9 by the time we were served. But we kept ourselves amused and the meals were definitely worth the wait. Yummo! The fact that I had just come off detox, meant that I was a very cheap drunk - 1/2 a glass of red and I was the life of the party. I don't think I've laughed so much in a very long time.

Sunday we were up early, Joe and I had breakfast out, then met Jayden and Amy back at Jo's so we could all drive in to Jessica and Ray's together. On our way there we got an sms message from Britney (niece). We were shocked when we read what she had written - she said it was a shame we didn't live on the Gold Coast anymore, because she was there from Geelong for an open day at Griffith Uni and she would have loved to catch up with us. It was our turn to shock her then when we messaged her back saying we were actually there too and suggested that we pick her up later in the day so we could have tea with her. It was so great to see her, it was an unexpected delight for the weekend. We got to catch up on what is occupying her world right now, from all the stories about her last year of school, her boyfriend Daniel, (who I've spoken to on the phone really like a lot) to her feelings about her father being away in Iraq and how she's dealing with that. She seems so grown up with such strong convictions for someone so young. She will turn 18 in December, but she is wise beyond her years having had the privilege of traveling to many countries in the world with her fathers position in the Army giving her the advantage of a worldly education.
Despite how she looks in this photo - she was really happy to be with us - just not so happy to be having her photo taken - teenagers, gotta love 'em!

The time we got to spend with the kids was very short but also very sweet. They both look really happy and healthy. I got to double dip with Jayden, when we went to visit him at his digs. He's doing alright for himself although he is visibly missing us - not sure that it's us so much as the good deal he's only just realised he was on by living at home and having Mum and Dad do so much for him - washing, ironing, cooking, making the bed - which I noticed wasn't made when we were there mate!
Lunch was at the Wynnum Tavern which was as good as the last time we were there for Jessica's birthday. We just chatted casually with each other, with Joe and I telling them all all bout our new life and the things we are hating about it and the things that we love about it. It was so nice having Amy join us, even though her and Jayden aren't officially together anymore, they obviously still have a great friendship which has been important enough for them to keep and have obviously been able to work out any of the problems that led to their break up. I know Jayden spends at least a couple of nights with Amy's family, which is nice for me to know he's getting at least some home cooked food.

Another great thing that happened on the weekend - I went to see MY chiropractor, Dr Mike and guess what, he fixed my problem, it took a couple of days to settle down after I'd seen him, but I feel really good again and it's great.

We had been to Harvey Norman in Bundall where I bought my new ipod so we dropped in to see Jared (brother) Aline and the kids, because they are just around the corner from there and would you believe it - they weren't home!! Happy 9th Birthday for Sunday Daniel, we're sorry we missed you.

Well, unfortunately I have been very slack and it's now nearly a week since we've been back here and the time away seems like just a distant memory - but in a way that's good, because we've got one week down so now there's only 4 to go before we get to do it again!!!

Off to see the kids.

We have now been living and working in Calliope for 4 weeks – and without a day off so we are starting to feel the pinch a little.

Every time I think about the kids or someone asks me how they’re doing, I get a little teary, so we decided to get a kids fix - bite the bullet and take some time out.
We are leaving here this morning after we’ve done the banking then we’re heading off for a long weekend. The only down side is the 6 hour drive each way, taking away 12 hours of our time off in the car, but I’m happy enough to sacrifice that time for the break away.

Things are going really well; finally I’m making a little more sense of the back office procedures. Joe handles all the ordering/reps and the majority of staff issues – and we have plenty of them. It’s feels like a constant battlefield, trying to keep everyone happy, motivated and productive. We are certainly not there yet and I know that those issues will always be a work in progress.

We are excited about a new salad bar fridge that will be going into the shop next week, which will give many more healthier choices for our customers instead of all the greasy, oil laden, heart attack in a bag food – you get the picture.
I am famous (in my family circle anyway) for my garden and potato salads, which are always requested if there is a bbq on, which I’m happy to prepare and supply and I’m keen to find more ideas to add to my repertoire.

In the time since packing up the house and moving here our diet has been less than desirable and living above a commercial kitchen where everything you could possibly want is just an order away from your plate, I decided not to risk falling into any bad habits right from the start, so to prepare myself for healthier food choices I decided to go onto a short 15 day detox program.
I started last Monday so as of today I have been going for 11 days with really good results – except for yesterday that is!! For some reason I just felt really hungry and not just hunger pangs, but cravings for a toasted ham, cheese and tomato sandwich (why that I have no idea). It really challenged my will power and I’m ashamed to say, I gave in – and may I say, I gave in really easily – I was a walk over for that pesky craving and on top of that (as if that wasn’t bad enough) I had a honey and malt flavoured milk to wash it down!!! I know, shame on me.
All I can say is tomorrow is another day and I hope to do better then.

Even though I am getting a lot more exercise in my day than I used to sitting at a desk, my poor old lonely dejected Mr Treadmill hasn’t even made his way through the door yet and is still sitting out on the verandah in the cold, covered in a big plastic bag that came off the new mattress we bought up with us – now it looks as though its huge robust frame won’t even fit and it seems destined to while away his days on the outer. So now I’ve decided it's about time I started giving him the attention he deserves and if Mohamed won’t come to the mountain, the mountain will have to go to Mohamed…or something like that.

An extension lead will do the trick!
Then all I will need to get myself going is an ipod and a little motivation, then me and the big boy can get moving again.

Remembering Luke

It's hard to believe it's been 6 years today since the world as we knew it would be forever changed.

The day that death came to our door.
A tribute to my nephew Luke.
15th Feb 1984 - 2nd Aug 2002

We are a very large family, Mum & Dad, 7 children, 14 grandchildren, 2 sons in law and 2 daughters in law.....we have been so blessed over the years, never before to have experienced the sorrow and grief of losing a loved one so close to us.

Luke was the first born grandson to my parents and because his father had so little to do with him, my father, his grandfather, became his role model.
He had always talked about going to America, he'd made friends with a family in a chat room on the internet who were from Atlanta, Georgia and since then set himself the goal to save enough money so he could travel there to meet them. He worked really hard and even moved to country Victoria to work on a dairy farm, where in a bizarre event his accommodation burned to the ground, in which he was extremely lucky to have escaped from. Of course he reached that goal before too long and he was finally on his way. My sister reluctantly agreed to let him go, really having no other choice and when the day came for him to leave, through tears she waved him farewell. I'm sure if she'd have realised that it would be the last time she would ever see his beautiful face alive, she would have dragged his butt out of the car and locked him in his room, then threw away the key.

In December 2001 Luke finally arrived in America, he saw New York and sent home photos of Ground Zero. He celebrated bringing in the new year in Times Square, visited Wall Street and Central Park. He went to Los Angeles, Florida, Georgia, Alabama and Tennessee.
After his holiday in the US, he went on to the UK to work and save more money so he could go back to the US. He worked in hotels on an ancestors visa, he really didn't enjoy England much, but stuck it out, saved his money and got back to America in July 2002.........

Mum & Dad were a constant presence in his life, he loved and respected them both dearly. Luke kept in regular contact with them while he was away, with AOL and phone calls. He had a web cam so they could see him while they were chatting.
I remember Leandra always threatening the kids if they got out of line that she would tell Grandpa. They soon straightened up because they didn't want their Grandpa to think any less of them, they just wanted their Grandparents to be proud of them....and they were, always.
My dad took the time with Luke as he was growing up to teach him what being a man is all about, set examples and good morals...Luke learned well.

He took care of his mother and two elder sisters, their well being, security and comfort. He helped with the shopping, the washing, the banking and anything else that needed to be done when he thought his Mum needed a bit of an extra hand. He took on the role of the man of the house at a very young age, because his father couldn't be relied upon to always be there for them. The insight and awareness from someone so young is astounding. To know that if you wanted something, you had to work hard and honestly. In this generation where buy now pay later credit society is the norm, he didn't take that road. He worked, he earned, he bought, he paid. Where does someone so young get such a strong sense of himself and the confidence to swim against the current?

It was 8.30am Saturday, a beautiful Queensland winters morning when I got the phone call that would change my very being forever. Leandra, my older sister, said through a trembling, crying voice, "Jose, my baby's dead"!
I was confused, her and I both call all our kids our babies. I said, "Which one"? and she said "Luke, Luke's dead"! I'm not sure what I said to her then, I was in shock, I didn't know what to say. My whole body went limp and I just kept saying through hysterical tears, "Oh my God, no"!
I asked her how she knew and she had told me that two police officers had come to the door and asked if they could come in and sit down...she knew what they were going to say before they uttered a word because the girls were both there with her, she knew that it had to be Luke. Every parents worst nightmare and it had come true for my sister. It had come screaming through her front door like a steam train out of control, sending her whole world upside down. She didn't believe what these two strangers in uniforms, sitting in her lounge room were telling her.
I asked her if she had told anyone else yet and she said that she couldn't contact Mum and Dad because they had gone to the Temple. I told her to ring Kylie, our younger sister, she said she would and hung up.

By this time I had both my children by my side, wondering what was going on. When I told them they just sobbed and went into shock. They had so many questions that I couldn't answer, simply because I didn't know myself. How? When? Where?
I walked around the house in a daze, I live so far away, but I just wanted to be there and put my arms around her and the girls. I was worried about Mum and Dad and what affect the news would have on them, since Dad had so recently undergone open heart surgery. I didn't want them to be told, but of course they had to be.

Joe wasn't home at the time either, so I tried to call him on his mobile, it rang once and then went dead. He had gone to the dentist, I assumed he was in the chair and had switched his phone off as soon as it rang. I felt so helpless. My mind was spinning, first with the horrific news and then with how I was going to get to Melbourne to be with my family. Would Joe and kids be able to cope without me, would I be able to take time off work, could we afford for me to go, how is Lee ever going to get through this, how are any of us going to get through this, he's so far away..why does he have to be so far away? All these questions going through my head at once.

I rang two of my brothers, who both also live on the Gold Coast, first James, he told me, "Don't worry sweetie, I'm on my way" and then Jared, he wasn't home, Aline answered the phoned. I said, "Hi love", she said "Hello", I asked if Jared was there and she said, "No, he's at work, is everything all right"? I said, "No, Lee just rang, Luke's been killed in a car accident"! I heard her gasp for air and lose control for a second, she regained her composure and said, "I'll try and get a hold of him" and hung up.

It wasn't long after that, that Joe got home. Jessica, Jayden and I walked towards him, he had a big grin on his face, one that said, that wasn't fun and I'm glad it's over...and then a puzzled look, because he could see that we were crying. I told him what had happened and he put his big strong arms around us and we all cried together in the hallway of our home.

The next couple of hours are a blur...Joe had organised a flight and he and Jessica had washed and packed clothes for me, while I had a shower and got ready to leave. By this time news had spread and the phone was ringing off the hook, family members checking up on each other for comfort and support.

I can't express enough what a great sense of loss we all felt immediately, even before the shock had set in and worn off. None of us could believe it, none of us wanted to believe it. I kept thinking of all the times I put off sitting down and writing an e-mail to him, just to let him know that I was thinking of him and wondering how he was doing. We had been kept so well in touch with his trip through Lee, all the photo's he had sent home, she would send them all through to us as soon as she got them. She was missing him terribly and worried about him being so far away but she was so proud that he was living his dream and he had made it come true all on his own. It takes a gutsy person to do what he did without a traveling companion, let alone a seventeen year old kid...but then again that may have been in his favour. He was so young and maybe a little naive about the dangers. Life at that age is endless...or so we think!

The week I spent in Melbourne, with my Mum and Dad, my sisters, nieces and nephews and my only brother that lives there were full of mixed emotions and I can tell you we ran through the whole gammit of them. We had never loved each other and also hated some traits in some of us more than for those few days we spent mourning the loss of one of the links in our family chain and preparing our last farewell for him.
We were kept busy with the normal expected details of preparing a funeral, then also with the added burden of trying to bring our beloved Luke home to us from another country, a country that we we're unfamiliar with the sorts of laws and regulations that were involved. I hate to think what Mum and Dad's phone bill was like by the end of that month...but as is always the case these things have a way of working out and with a lot of help from the most beautiful, compassionate, loving, caring people from my Mum and Dad's church, everything came together beautifully.

My family, Joe, Jessica and Jayden arrived with my cousin Lynda, (who became very close to Luke after he moved up here for a little while. They even met up in England, when she was overseas and she really was the last person from our family to have seen and spent time with him) from the Gold Coast on Saturday. It was such a relief to have them there with us, I was starting to burn out from grief and lack of sleep, it was as if the back up calvary had arrived. Then my brothers, James and Jared and Jared's partner Aline arrived on Monday...the only people missing were Jared and Alines two boys and my brother Darren and his family who were unable to get away from Vietnam where they'd been working and I know that it wasn't for the lack of trying. Darren is really the "brick" in our family and we all desperately needed him to be there. I knew I had a big pair of shoes to fill in his absence and I hope I did you proud Dags!

Tuesday 13th, 2002. It had been 11 days after the tragic news and we were all gathered together, family, friends, acquaintances, even Joe's Mum and Dad, brother Ralph and sister-in-law Anna had traveled from Tooleybuc. The church was packed, right to the back, we were all there to say our final good bye to a young man with an old soul, who had packed such a lot of adventures into his short 18 years, who had achieved things men twice his age can only dream of. Who had touched and impacted so many people from so many different walks of life, young and old.

You are a credit to those who loved you Luke. You now go on to a much more peaceful place, where there are no wars, disease or hunger, no tears and no fears, no hatred or disdain. While we that are left behind are filled with heavy hearts and beautiful memories of your short but sweet life.

We will remember and talk of you fondly forever and we will tell our children and our grandchildren of our brave and sweet Luke who set goals and never let anything get in the way of achieving them, I pray that your courage will influence all our lives for as long as we live.
Until we met again,
Loving you always,
Aunty Jose xxxx

Dr Bekker

Well, I've been acquainting myself with yet another of the local medical practitioners here. In the first few days of arriving, I met the doctor and then the dentist, now I am on very friendly terms with the local Chiropractor and I’m also helping him with his kids private school tuition fees.
Yeah I know, I’m very generous.

I’ve been suffering with a very annoying sore lower back with the pain travelling down to my butt and leg, so bad in fact that the first thing I do in the morning after I get out of bed is take some nurofen for the pain, once it kicks in it makes it easier to get in and out of the shower and dress myself. So my new friend Dr Johann Bekker thought that I could benefit from:

Acupuncture (from Lat. acus, 'a needle', and pungere, 'to prick') is the practice of inserting very thin needles in particular points on the body to improve health and well-being, and is one component of traditional Oriental medicine. It has long been used by the Chinese for a wide variety of health complaints, and is practised throughout Asia. The practice of acupuncture is at least 2000 years old.

(see picture of the human pin cushion below) – Ouch!

After 4 visits and a surplus of ‘all natural’ medication which I have been taking religiously, I really don’t feel any better at all, so I cancelled my appointment with Dr Bekker that I had scheduled for today and I’ve made another one with a different ‘bone cruncher’ tomorrow – I feel a little bad for poor (bad choice of words) Dr Bekker and it feels a little like I’m cheating on him, but I need to get rid of this God awful pain I’m waking up with.

There are a few people that I wanted to thank and mention just because they are so great, often leaving me messages in the comments box to the right of my blog page!

Firstly little Laura – thank you so much for your love, support and the sweet messages you leave for me on my blog. I am so excited that you did so well in soccer and I truly wish I could be in the crowd cheering you on in your next game – just know that I will be there in spirit for you, always.

Then there’s my gorgeous girlfriend Joanne – thank you for the many, many phone calls and keeping in touch since we’ve been here – I miss you too! I really hope everything is going well with your new job and that it’s all you hoped it would be – say hi to Andy and the kids and give Aaron a couple of soft hugs from his Aunty Jo.

Now to my brother James who has also stayed in regular contact by phone and also by webcam – he’s actually started something with more and more of the family getting themselves set up to be able to video call – it’s so great that everyone is so keen to keep in touch. Also James, thank you so much for all you did in getting me the Fusion program so that I can use my Apple in Windows – to let you know, I have successfully installed it and given a little more spare time, I’ll actually be able to use the darn thing real soon! Thanks again for all the running around you did.

One more person I’d like to mention is my new ‘old friend’ Glenn. Glenn and I went to school together – too many years ago to mention and we found each other on the Friends Reunited site quite recently and have rekindled our friendship, which of course is much different now than it was then. We seem to be somewhat kindred spirits, both sensitive and artistic souls that relate to each other in a really beautiful, comfortable way. I’m really enjoying the contact and our conversations – thank you Glenn for being responsible for at least some of the smiles that appear on my face each day.

To my beautiful Uncle Noel, my love and thoughts are with you right now as you start out on the road to recovery after your shoulder reconstruction operation today. I’m waiting to hear the news of how it went, but I’m sure you will fighting fit again before we know it and being just as cheeky as ever. I love you and take care.

Lastly, but not least - to Mark & Vicki - We are so sorry we didn't call in on our way up and Joe is going to ring and beg for your forgiveness really soon! So now that you've got a heads up, you can decide whether you're going to let him off the hook or not! Talk to you soon xx

With being so busy and working so many hours, I have a growing list of things that I want and need to do - updating my blog is now one that I can cross off - at least for a few more days.

Before and After..

We have now finished our first week and Joe has added up our hours....100 between us!!
No wonder I'm exhausted!
I know that we've achieved a lot in the past few days, although it's hard to see the progress. I think the mental order of things is just as important as the physical - what's that saying:

'If you can dream it - you can do it'

Now I just have to get my head down and just get on with it - putting one foot in front of the other. I'm going to look forward to reading this post in a few months time and hopefully by then I can laugh off how stressed and inadequate I've been feeling.

So in the meantime, while I'm finding my feet, I thought I would share the blood, sweat and tears and yes, there were some of each of these things it took to set up our new home and some of the before photos so you can appreciate the change a little more...

(I thought I had a before photo of this room, but I can't find it)